December 13, 2011 by Gina
My beautiful baby boy, Getty, will be six months old this week. Where did that time go? As I look back on those six months (in a sleep-deprived haze) many moments stand out. The fast, unplanned vaginal delivery (he was supposed to be a c-section), first moments with big brother Finn, holding and cuddling a tiny, new son, smiles, giggles and watching him grow. Getty seems so big now compared to six months ago.
Despite all those happy moments, another memory stands out too. After Getty was born, I was really angry and most of this anger was directed toward my husband. It didn’t happen right away. I’m really not sure when it happened but somehow, there it was. Anger and resentment were two emotions I wasn’t expecting to feel during such a joyful and miraculous time. I didn’t feel this way after the birth of our first son, so why was I feeling it now?
I resented Brian for sleeping through Getty’s night wakings and for being able to fall asleep so easily after he did wake up and help. I resented him for taking naps when I was so physically and mentally exhausted. I knew it wasn’t a contest, but I most assuredly was more tired than him and I should be napping! I was angry when he would help but didn’t help the way I thought he should. I would yell at him for no reason (or what I thought was a good reason at the time).
I recognized at the time and it is even more clear now, that perhaps I had some post-partum depression. Brian and I talked about this after a few of these angry outbursts and I leaned on some friends for support. I was surprised by the anger and resentment and that this could be depression and was definitely hormonal.
I feel better now and have for several weeks. Occasionally, though, a bit of that hormonal anger creeps in (but that might be Brian’s fault for doing something stupid!). Brian’s a great father and husband – he gets up in the middle of the night, sleeps on the floor when the kids are sick so they aren’t alone, cooks, cleans and is a supportive partner in life. He didn’t deserve to be the brunt of my anger but he was. Parenthood and motherhood are hard. Thankfully, we’re in it together!