Confession Tuesday {7.24.12}

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July 24, 2012 by Carin

Do you ever wonder if the job you are doing is the job for you?  Is it the right fit or the right career?  I often find myself questioning my present job situation.    Some days I wonder if being a Stay-at-home Mom (SAHM) is the right job for me right now.   While I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t a SAHM, I still question myself daily.  I liked what I was doing before kids but I didn’t love it, but it fulfilled some need inside me that being a SAHM doesn’t.  While I love nurturing, teaching and raising our kids, it sometimes leaves me feeling restless and wanting more.   While I can’t pinpoint what it is that I need fulfilled, I know the yearning is there.

Am I the only one?

But then there is the other side of the coin.   I don’t want my kids spending more time with someone else during the better part of the day just so I can fulfill a need.  For me and for our family, my kids deserve my time and my attention.  I don’t resent my kids one bit for I made the choice three years ago to be SAHM for our first child because that is what I wanted and what was best for her.  But the itch is still there.  Maybe what I really crave is adult interaction, a schedule, the accomplishment of completing a project and the knowing that I completed all my goals for the day.  Whereas now I talk with a 3 year old more than adults, our schedule is loose to say the least, some days nothing gets done and my daily/weekly goals usually get carried over to the next day/week.  There are days I feel like I do nothing of importance but break up fights between the kids and feed them semi-healthy meals.  I am not belittling my job at all because it is the hardest job I have ever done.  But most of the time the rewards of being a parent are few and far between, you seldom get a pat on the back or a bonus for a job well done.

Then there are the days when I just wonder “What am I doing?” As in “Do I really know how to raise my kids?”  You become a parent by having kids, but they don’t come with a manual.  Most of us have no training what so ever when it comes to dealing with kids.  We just wing it and hope that our kids don’t need thousands of dollars in therapy when they are older.   When I had a job outside the home I had college to back me up and or I was given some training to help me succeed.  With kids, you just start doing from the minute the come into the world, whether you know anything at all.  I realize you can get some training on raising kids, but once you have kids it is all trial and error leaving you feeling lost and wondering what the hell do I do now.

Putting my kids in daycare and working outside the home isn’t the answer.  I realize this.  It is not what is best for our family.  But it doesn’t make me stop questioning myself on a daily basis.  Going back to work isn’t going to make the job of raising our kids any easier and will still leave me wondering “What the hell do I do now?”

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